C25K - ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!

So tonight marks ONE ENTIRE MONTH (besides the one break night per week) that we've been exercising!  I think that's quite an accomplishment.  Here's to eleventy more months!

I had a pretty emotional day the other day and between talking to Mama about it that day and then talking to Sam tonight, I think things are at a better place.  Also, tonight we took progress pics and I must admit that I can see a bit of a difference in my before and after pics which of course cheers me up a little.

Mama offered to "sponsor" us for our first 5K* and even told me about one that's being held in Blythewood this weekend.  As a reward for our month anniversary, I went and paid for our entrance fee to the race just now.  It's called the Flamingo 5K.  So yeah, our first 5K will be Saturday!!  I know it will make us stronger, I just hope it doesn't kill us.  :)

*THANK YOU MAMA!

C25K Update

I think the last post took us through Saturday.  So, we walked Sunday night and tonight.  And it's tonight that I want to talk about.  WOW, the voices were loud tonight.  Not so much in the vein of "don't go exercise" because I think I've becoming pretty good at fighting those voices but rather they were loudest when we were outside walking and they said "why are you bothering to do this?" and "you don't look any different, you hardly even feel any different, why are you still doing this?" and "you are going to fail" and "you've eaten pretty badly the past couple of days and you're sick of salad and turkey bacon, now what are you going to eat?".  It's kinda terrible ya'll.

I haven't had a great night anyway.  Besides Sam losing her child support (because John is no where to be found), we also lost two other sources of income in the past week.  I'm the only one working and it's terribly tight on just my salary.  I wanted to sign up for the Governor's Cup race in November and I can't.  We are on a necessities-only budget now and so I can't justify spending the money for that.  And that actually makes me really kinda sad and bummed because I feel like we have to be "training toward" something...  toward some goal or else damnit there's no reason to be doing this.  I mean, it doesn't feel or look like I'm losing weight.  I'm not gaining a whole lot of energy.  So what's the point?  I'm just so down and completely negative tonight.

I'm not winning in the battle with the voices tonight.  We exercised, but jeez.  I just don't know what tomorrow will hold.

C25K Update

So, I think I left off on Tuesday night.  We walked at the fair on Wednesday and at home on Thurs. We skipped Friday (because it's our scheduled day off) and then walked again tonight.

My eating hasn't been so good this weekend.  But eh.  Whatevs.  I'm kinda tired of salads and apples.

Also, I should say that on Thursday or so, I discovered Zumba on Youtube.  Do you know what this is?  So fun.  Look:



So, Friday morning before work I did two songs.  Tonight after I came in from walking, I did three songs.  I look flippin' ridiculous I'm sure, but I don't care because it's fun and it kicks my ass.

So that's it for the update.  Thanks for checking in!

Progress Pics

The pics as promised:

We walked tonight.  State fair tomorrow, so that'll probably serve as our exercise.  I'mma try to be good with the eating, but I'm not gonna be too hard on myself one way or the other.

C25K Update

Last time I posted was Friday.  We exercised Saturday, Sunday and again tonight.  Just checking in to update you guys.  We haven't really changed anything to report.

Well, wait.  We started listening to music (which helps the time pass more than you'd imagine) and we stopped praying.  I think it has to do with the fact that we are more frequently arguing with one another than not.  Such is life, I guess.  Our life, at least.

One other thing is that we took pictures at the onset of this fitness thing and then we took 2-week pictures on Saturday night.  Sam and Joe could see a pretty substantial difference in their before and afters, but me?  Not so much.  I'm used to it.  I lose weight slower than most people.  I have the slowest metabolism in the world!  Oh well.  Not gonna let it get me discouraged.  They said they'd post their pictures.  I'm not willing to post mine.  I'll maybe try to work on posting them tomorrow.  Tonight I'm kinda tired.

So with that, peace out.  :)

C25K Update

So, I haven't posted for a couple days.  But we've been exercising everyday since the last post except for last night.  I had the chills and a fever.  So we decided to take our break last night.  Which means we'll be exercising tonight.  I don't think anything eventful happened on any of the nights.  My knees have been holding up ok.  They are still stiff.  I've kept on the Mobic because a coworker convinced me that it needs to build over time.  That maybe it's not an instant pain reliever (even though it says "take as needed FOR PAIN" on the bottle...  lol).  I'm still doing the Tylenol big dose in the evening before we go out.  Everything is going ok.  Boring, shmoring.

In other news, we are eating better.  I'm trying to eat a salad with every meal to take up room in my stomach before I fix a plate of whatever we are having.  That way I will eat less of the meal.  Also, I don't think I've mentioned in this blog, but I've given up Diet Coke for as many days as we've been doing exercise.  So more than two weeks now.  That is a feat because, just ask anyone, I was a Diet Coke connoisseur.  I've been drinking water and Crystal Light (the something or other fitness kind that doesn't have artificial sweeteners).  I've been trying to eat breakfast.  Usually something like turkey bacon, a piece of fruit and some yogurt.  Generally we've all been trying to make more healthy choices.  But we aren't calling it a diet.  And if we want something sweet, we eat something sweet.  We eat our same old meals, substituting healthier choices (ie. ground turkey for ground beef) where we can.

As with everything, we'll see how it turns out.

C25K Update

GOOD NEWS, FUH-REAKIN' FINALLY!  I walked without knee pain tonight.  I'm not saying it won't come back.  And I'm not so sure a doctor would advise doing what I did.  But oh freakin' well.  I WIN THIS ROUND, KNEE-PAIN-FROM-HELL!  BWAHAHA.

So, yeah.  I asked the doctor what I could take with the Mobic.  She said Tylenol.  I have in the past taken Excedrin Extra Strength which is 250 mg of acetaminophen/250 mg aspirin/65 mg caffeine.  Three of them to be exact.  I like taking those because the caffeine gives me a boost of energy as well.  But tonight, I started out taking the Mobic about an hour and a half ahead of time.  Didn't do SQUAT.  But I had an idea.  What if the Excedrin wasn't giving someone of my weight enough acetaminophen?  I wouldn't think twice about taking four Tylenol for some other kind of pain.  That's 2000 mg.  So, three Excedrin (250 x 3=750).  I figured I could pretty safely take two regular Tylenol (500 x 2=1000) for a total of 1750 mg of acetaminophen.  So, that's what I did.  Three Excedrin and two regular Tylenol.  I'm going to cut out the Mobic all together because it is SHIT.  Don't even bother fussing at me if you are thinking about it, because a) I'm hardheaded and b) MY KNEES DIDN'T HURT and I NEED TO EXERCISE.  Also, you should know the maximum daily dose is 4000 mg and I haven't/won't take it any other time.  If I have some pain at a different time of the day, I'll take Ibuprofen.

Joe also rubbed some muscle heat cream stuff on my knees.  I think that helped some too.  Oh, and I bought and took a glucosamine chondroitin.  I highly doubt that had anything to do with my knee relief tonight, but I think it will help in the long run.

In other news, we walked again tonight.  The doctor said "don't jog" just like I knew she would.  So I concede.  BUT.  I told everyone tonight, that I will back it up to just walking IF AND ONLY IF, they promised they would start back jogging with me (even if it's just on the staggered schedule I posted a few days ago) once my knees get all healed up.  They agreed.  So it's just walking for now.  I feel pretty okay about that because I was able to walk with some kind of pace considering I didn't have any knee pain.  Before, I was walking so slow (limping, actually) that I didn't even break a sweat.  I felt like I wasn't getting ANY kind of workout.

Okay, so BIG THANKS to everyone who's been following along on our little journey and offering support and suggestions (especially about my knee trouble)!  I just can not adequately express how helpful your comments and suggestions are.  Please continue peeking in on us and holding us accountable if we start to fall by the wayside.  I love you all!  Thanks again!

C25K Update

I'm going to stop numbering the days because well, I don't update every day.  Friday was mine and Joe's break day.  Sam had to walk because she had her break day on Thursday.  She tells me she did.  Saturday we did the C25K routine even though that was actually wrong.  We were supposed to walk on Saturday and do the routine tonight.  Oh well.  We did it backwards.  So last night's routine went well.  My knees hurt for the first part but didn't hurt much at all into the second half. 

Tonight, however!  Was a different story.  I walked.  I had taken the anti-inflammatory pills that momma gave me beforehand.  Like an hour beforehand (so they had time to start working).  I felt good at the onset of the walk.  But the last half KICKED.MY.ASS.  I'm not even exaggerating.  Not in an "oh this is SO hard kinda way" because it was NOT HARD.  But rather in an "oh my god the pain" kind of way.  Again, more proof that it's better to do the routine every day. 

I got done with the walk and came inside and just bawled.  I just could not stop crying.  Joe fixed me some water and brought me some ibuprofen.  He's sweet.  I guess I cried because it feels like even though I've been pretty successful so far at beating the voices in my head, there doesn't seem to be shit I can do about my knees.  They aren't getting better.  Medicine isn't helping.  I don't have a passel of money to go first to a general practitioner and then to maybe an orthopedic doctor and the followups and the medicine.

It feels like I'm beating my mind but my body's beating me.  Like maybe it's too late.  I'm already too fat, too far gone.

C25K Update - Day Ten and Eleven

So before we started last night, I talked to Mom on the phone.  She was trying to convince me that "you have to walk before you run" and thought I should go back to walking.  I saw that as a step backward away from my goal of being able to run a 5K.  I have this plan (C25K) and walking wasn't on the list, so I didn't start with walking.  And now if I go back to walking it "feels" like I'm abandoning my goal.  Maybe it will make me want to give up and giving up scares me.  But man, my knees, ya'll.  After I got off the phone with Mama, we went out to do the routine and a few minutes into the five minute warm-up walk, I knew my knees weren't going to cooperate.  So, while I was walking I thought of doing the following regiment:

• Monday: Brisk 30 minute walk (the C25K routine is 25 mins, so I'd be adding 5 mins (since it's less intensive))
• Tuesday: C25K routine (as normal)
• Wednesday: Brisk 30 minute walk
• Thursday: C25K routine
• Friday: BREAK DAY
• Saturday: Brisk 30 minute walk
• Sunday: C25K routine (as normal

That way I'm tricking my brain into being okay with not doing the routine everyday because: a) the actual C25K routine suggests you do the routine three times a week and we are still doing that much and b) I don't have to worry about losing momentum (or habit building), because I'm still doing exercise six days a week.  Also, we'd be staggering the intensive with less intensive workouts which I'm hoping will give our muscles/joints time to recuperate every other day.

That said, my knees hurt throughout the brisk walk routine last night (even though it was "just walking").  I'm assuming it's because I was starting from an already inflamed condition.  

Tonight, it was just Joe and I (Sam went somewhere with a friend, she'll be walking tomorrow while Joe and I will be on break).  We had planned to walk tonight also because of the pain in my knees AND because we've already done the routine three times this week (next week will begin the plan listed above).  I'd love to report that since we walked last night my knees were somewhat better but holy hell my knees hurt like a BITCH.  They hurt worse tonight than they have ever hurt.  I was nearly crying.  Joe tried to give me high fives and stuff, but I was in so much pain, I couldn't really even acknowledge him.

While I was out there tonight, I kinda thought that maybe this walking was like slowly pulling off a bandaid.  Like, maybe when we wog at least, we rip that bandaid off.  Ergo, we get those endorphins coursing early into the routine.  Maybe we never even reach a place when we walk that "activates" endorphins.  Because when I wog, I don't really feel shit in terms of pain in my legs after about the fourth rep.  While walking, I feel the pain from the time I start to the time I stop.  Tonight, I was limping.  It was terrible.  When it was all over, I was hardly sweating.  So, boo.  I still finished the thirty minutes though.  I get some credit for that, right?

I'm gonna try one of Mama's anti-inflammatory pills when she gives them to me on Saturday.  If they help, I may go back to doing the C25K routine every night.

I'm so confuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssed even though I thought I had stuff all figured out.  Could you tell?

C25K Update - Day Nine

My knees were weirdly better before we started tonight.  I thought it was odd that they healed so quickly.  Well, turns out they didn't.  I still wogged but it really looked EVEN MORE like walking tonight.  And since I've finished my knees have been throbbing and throbbing and now and then a sharp pain shoots down the side of my calf.  This is disconcerting.  I don't want to take a step backward.  I really don't.

The knee problem coupled with some stressful family situations (yes plural) cause tonight to be a pretty miserable night altogether.  I could cry.

But we did it again, you guys.  Here's hoping tomorrow's better.

C25K Update - Day Eight

Wow, this one was off to a rocky start.  Luckily for us the rain cleared up in enough time for us to get out there and do our routine.  However, there had been an argument before we went out, so there was some bad exercise mojo.  Also, my knees.

Ya'll, I had to drop down to a new paragraph for this topic.  My knees might end this thing in its current form.  I may ultimately have to switch to just walking or we might have to take more breaks (neither of which I want to do).  Taking two Aleve at about 5:30 and taking three Excedrin Extra Strength about 20 mins before we went out there, didn't help the stiffness in my knees or the feeling that they were going to give out at any second.  During the wogging, there was even some pain.  Now about an hour later, they are stiff as hell and feel like they are inflamed.  Or have a fever or something.  Perhaps they are just catching that summer cold everyone's had.  Kidding.  The weak-in-the-knees feeling seems to be cause a strain in the small of my back as well.  Now, folks, I know the pain-that-you-can-grin-and-bear and this is not that.  I feel like serious damage is imminent and I don't know what to do about it.

That said, I WILL NOT GIVE UP.  That's not an option.  Can a doctor give me medicine for this?  Would he considering how fat I am?  I think a doctor would all but call me an idiot though for attempting to wog at all at my weight.  Should I walk and not wog at all?  I SO want to train toward a 5K run, but maybe walking wouldn't counteract that.  Maybe it's just a precursor to running.  I'm really bummed about this.  Honestly.  I don't want to take what I consider a step backward from wogging for 8 mins to not wogging at all.  Hopefully, someone reading can give me some insight.

Despite the argument before the routine and despite my knee issue, we did it and that ONCE again makes me damn proud of all of us.

C25K Update - Day Seven

So, yeah.  I have good news and bad news.  Welllll....  you know how it was raining tonight, right?  So you can probably guess what the bad news is...

WE GOT SOAKED whilst doing our routine.  Haha.  Fooled ya.  You thought I was gonna say we didn't do it, didn't you?  Ye of little faith!

So, yeah.  The good news is that we totally got right back to it even though it was raining and even though we had just taken a break.  Sam asked me "you know it's raining, right?" and I was like "yeah, and?".  We still did it ya'll.  We still did it.

Tonight, my side didn't hurt nearly as bad (thank ya jeebus!) but my knees hurt really bad for the first time since we started.  And that doesn't really make a lot of sense considering that I had a day of rest.  I could hardly extend my leg during the wogging parts.  But still I tried as best I could.  Hopefully, they will be better tomorrow.  Also, let me just say that while I totally don't want to criticize God's handiwork (any super religious people stop reading now), I do believe He made one teensy design flaw.  The endorphins that kick in AFTER you exercise?  Totally bass ackwards.  I need the endorphins to give me energy and pain relief AT THE BEGINNING of my routine.  Amiright?  But God, you rock for helping to motivate us to get our fat asses out there again tonight.  So, I'll muddle through, flaw and all.

Also, I've been looking at some 5Ks.  There are a couple walks or walk/runs that I'd like to sign up for.  It's kind of expensive to do.  Well, not so much if you are just signing up one person, but signing up 2-3 people at $20-$25 a piece can get kinda costly.  I just have to be choosy and pick the best fit for us.  I'm thinking the first one should be around November.  I'm thinking this one:  http://www.lexmed.com/calendar/special-events/governors-cup-2010.aspx. The 4 mile walk.  Any thoughts?

Speaking of thoughts.  Some people have said they wanted to comment but didn't have a "Google Account" or "OpenID" and that's okay.  You don't need one.  Just select the option that says "Name/URL" and just type your name (and URL if you have one but leave it blank if you don't) and post the comment that way.  Sorry that Blogger makes that so confusing!

C25K Update - Day Six

We all took a break last night (day six).  I guess I should chalk this up as the voices won this battle.  We had a goal to go for seven days straight but honestly I think that was a little unrealistic.  Every exercise program there is, gives you a day or two of rest.  Even the C25K suggests that you only do the routine 3 times a week.  Now, I don't want to consider that because I know that we will lose our momentum after a couple days of break.  Also, it will take FOREVER to get fit enough to do a 5K.  I just want one day a week.

Sam was at a neighbor's house, I was watching the USC game, and Joe has a sinus infection.  I was in so much pain.  Sam and I still talked about going out to do the routine after the game, but I could hardly stay awake through the last half of the game and it was an EXCITING game (but disappointing, Gamecocks lost).  Sam and I talked and decided that if we took ONE DAY to rest, there better not be NO excuses for the rest of the week.  No amount of pain, sickness, nothing.  She agreed.

The biggest concern I had with taking a break was that we would lose momentum and find it easier to let the voices win.  So, I ask anyone who may be reading this (is there anyone? *echo**echo**echo*) to help hold us accountable.  If we get lax and start taking more breaks than just one a week, or stop this entirely, call us.  Scream at us.  Remind us that this is literally life or death.  If we were snorting heroin (is that what one does w/ heroin?  injecting?  smoking?  whatever) on a daily basis, you'd be worried for us, right?  You'd plead with us to get better.  This is the same scenario.

Can I tell you a secret?  It scares the shit out of me to have just written that.  My inclination is to delete it.  The voices say "when you fail, you're going to want to be able to fail unnoticed".  But once again, Ben Davis (the guy from the video in my first post) gives me inspiration:

"If you keep this to yourself, it will be easy to quit. The thing about having a health problem/addiction, is that the natural impulse is to hide it and keep it secret that you’re trying to better yourself. But, it’s also easier to quit if it’s just you that knows about it.

And here’s a secret: Unlike some addictions like alcoholism or drug use that are hideable, obesity is different. People know you’re obese. It’s not your little secret; you’re not fooling anyone (no matter how much black or vertical lines you wear). So if you want to change, tell people. It seems embarrassing, I know. And it’s hard, but you’ll find that the people that love and care about you are going to be excited for you."

 So, tonight (day seven) WE EXERCISE.  No excuses.

C25K Update - Day Five

Did it.  Didn't die.

The end.

Forgot to mention...

That little graphic (of the head with all the negative thoughts inside it) over in upper right of this page was created by Samantha.  She did it entirely on her own.  And I think it's just PERFECT for this blog.

C25K Update - Day Four

Ok, I don't know what to say about day four.  WE DID IT.  IT HURT LIKE A BITCH.  THANK GOD IT'S OVER.

I wonder how many of my family and friends who maybe linked over from Facebook and are keeping up with our progress are rolling their eyes right now.  It's just some walking and eight reps of ONE MINUTE of jogging.  Actually, a jogger would look at what we do and go "that's what you are calling jogging, p'shaw".  I was joking with my friend G-squared the other day (wazzup, if you're reading) that what we actually do is kind of a combination of walking and jogging.  I told her we should come up with a different name for it like....  wogging or jalking.  She and I agreed we liked wogging.  So, back to my point.  Eight freaking reps of one minute wogs.  It doesn't seem like much, but if you aren't overweight imagine doing those reps with a refrigerator strapped to your back.  Infinitely harder, no?

Also, the pain in my side.  Oy vey!  I don't know what to do about it and it was so bad tonight that I couldn't take many deep breaths, so it felt like I was constantly out of breath.

I was hoping this would get easier.  I guess this is just an example of it's gonna get way worse before it gets any better.  A trial by fire of sorts?

In other news, it was Sam's birthday and she still got out there and busted her ass.  Her ankles have been hurting and she said that throughout her run she just kind of asked God to take some of the pain away.  She said it worked.  Mind over matter maybe.  But I'd like to think it's true.

Sorry for all the bitchin' tonight.  Not sure if you prefer the sappy, mushy talk or the bitching.  It's my guess you'll get a little of both if you come back to check on us.

Now I need to get my achy, sweaty ass in the shower.

Wait, one more thing:
if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it,
if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it,
if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it,
if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it*

*a reminder to myself

C25K Update - Day Three

You guys!  We did it AGAIN!  Such a thing may not surprise any of you because not everyone struggles as much with willpower as I do, but BELIEVE ME, I've been excited about fitness routines (diet or exercise) that lasted A LOT less than three days.  Some of the things I've been excited about never even got up off the ground.  And this is very different than anything I've done before.  This is hard.  I might have done an exercise video for a few days in the past, but I'd stop and take breaks and typically I'd be doing them alone.  This time it feels different.  And I can only really attribute that to the fact that my husband and sister don't bow out on me and they go out there with me every night, in pain, and sweat with me.  We encourage each other and cheer each other and maybe get all Jillian Michaels on one another ("ten more seconds!  you can do it!  move it!").  Maybe it's the endorphins making me all sappy and sentimental, so I'm sorry if I just made you gag a little, but damnit I hope we're able to keep this up.

One more sappy thing I need to tell you about tonight.  I have mentioned that the arch of my right foot has been hurting, so tonight we decided to wrap it.  Well, turns out, that was a BIG mistake.  At about the third rep the pain was just excruciating, so during the "walk cycle" of the fourth rep, I stopped to take the wrapping off.  It bugged me to have to do that, because I felt like I would be disingenuous if I claimed I did the whole routine.  When we were on the walk cycle of the last rep, I told Sam and Joe that they'd be done in 90 seconds, but that I was going to make up the "walk cycle" that I missed because I had to break and take off my foot wrap.  Then guess what?  Sam and Joe at nearly the same time said "nope, we're gonna stick with you till you finish" and "one for all and all for one".  Cheesy?  Yep.  Completely effin' awesome?  You bet.

We're a wolf pack of three.

C25K Update - Day Two

Day two was significantly easier.  HOWEVER, don't get me wrong, it was still hard as hell.  I started out in pain.  Day one created a pain in the arch of my right foot which is no fun to jog/walk on.  Also, from the very first brisk five min walk that opens the routine, I had a dreadful pain in my side.  I guess I just chalk it up to "whadda expect", you know?  I'm fat.  When I move around a lot, parts of my body are going to rebel a little.  Gotta just suck it up.  Which is what I did.

We did something else a little different tonight.  We started and finished our routine with a prayer.  Now, I'm not a religious person, but I kinda felt like it was a good adaptation of the 12 steps program where you realize that you must invite a higher power to guide you in your battle (whatever type of battle that may be) in order for it to be fully successful.  The prayers were quick and was even a little tongue-in-cheek ("...and God, please don't let this workout kill us...") and I'm happy that I thought of adding that.  I do need some help from God.  Or Richard Simmons.  Or Jillian Michaels.  Or all three.  Like a holy fitness trinity.  Although I'm pretty sure Jillian Michaels would eat Richard Simmons for dinner.  For that matter, I don't know that she'd get along too well with God either, as I'm pretty sure she's the devil.

C25K Update - Day One

First day of the Couch to 5K plan down!  We didn't want to do it.  Those voices were trying to talk me out of it.  They tried to tell me to just start tomorrow, that it was too late tonight.  Sam said it was too late.  Joe didn't want to do it.  The voices told me that anyone who saw us outside running would laugh at us*.  They told me I'd be SO embarrassed.  But I just made up my mind to do it.  "If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it."  I told Sam and Joe they could go or not go, but I was GOING.TO.DO.IT.  I watched the video for inspiration.  Sam watched over my shoulder.  Then she decided to put her shoes and running clothes on.  We all gathered outside and stretched for a few mins.  Then we got down to it.  After the first jogging rep, the voices were telling me "YOU CAN'T DO THIS...  ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?"  Sam said "we have to do HOW MANY of these?".  But doggedly, we continued.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to compromise with the voices and cut the routine in half.

Then after about rep 5 or so, we started congratulating each other.  And telling each other at every pass that we were proud of the other person.  And ultimately, our jogging didn't look so much like jogging and our faces were bright red (some redder than others (MINE!)) and our clothes were dripping with sweat but we DID IT.  And we hugged each other, BO and all.  Then we came inside and took this picture because we were proud:

I posted that picture on Facebook and now two other people want to join us.  HOW GREAT IS THAT?!?

So we are attempting to do a routine from the Couch to 5K plan EVERY DAY with one major change.  I think we are too out of shape to change routines once a week.  I want to take this slow and do it right, so we are going to do routine 1 for a month instead of a week.  We may do every routine for a month.  We may do them for two months.  Doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach my goal, just that I remain vigilant in working to acheive it.


*This prompted a joke to Sam before we started.  I told her that whoever sees us out there running is gonna think "ain't that a damn shame?  somebody done went and stole those fat people's cookies."

Winning the war?

Ok, here I am again.  Taking up another battle against a demon I've fought my entire life.  My demon was battling me even before I was born truth-be-known.  It lived in winding strands of DNA then, though.  I have been living out of control.  No, seriously.  I would say something akin to slow suicide.  Nothing, even things that were very drastic, worked for very long.  And so I gave up.  "If that didn't work then *nothing* will work" and "this is just your fate, obviously you can't control it" are the mean, mean things that little voice has been telling me.  But I have to stop letting that voice run the show.  I simply have to. Let me show you why:

I want to be able to do things with them instead of sitting in the comfort of my apartment while someone else experiences new adventures with them because I'm too tired or too chickenshit.

And then there was this:



I watched it and I cried.  Then, I did a search online for something that I had read before about starting from couch potato and training to eventually run a 5K.  And then there were the voices:
"JOGGING?!!? I'm not even sure that's physically possible"
"You're just going to fail...  AGAIN"
"Come on, a 5K?"

I watched the video again (and cried again).  And I tried to replace the mean voices with a single mantra: "if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it".  I don't know if it will work this time.  I don't know if I'll quit again.  I don't know if I'll disappoint everyone who is rooting for me.  However, this moment in time is the only time I can affect.  I can't go back and change yesterday nor can I know what tomorrow holds.  But this, I know:  RIGHT NOW, in this moment, I want very much to win this war.