Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Winning the war?

Ok, here I am again.  Taking up another battle against a demon I've fought my entire life.  My demon was battling me even before I was born truth-be-known.  It lived in winding strands of DNA then, though.  I have been living out of control.  No, seriously.  I would say something akin to slow suicide.  Nothing, even things that were very drastic, worked for very long.  And so I gave up.  "If that didn't work then *nothing* will work" and "this is just your fate, obviously you can't control it" are the mean, mean things that little voice has been telling me.  But I have to stop letting that voice run the show.  I simply have to. Let me show you why:

I want to be able to do things with them instead of sitting in the comfort of my apartment while someone else experiences new adventures with them because I'm too tired or too chickenshit.

And then there was this:

I watched it and I cried.  Then, I did a search online for something that I had read before about starting from couch potato and training to eventually run a 5K.  And then there were the voices:
"JOGGING?!!? I'm not even sure that's physically possible"
"You're just going to fail...  AGAIN"
"Come on, a 5K?"

I watched the video again (and cried again).  And I tried to replace the mean voices with a single mantra: "if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it".  I don't know if it will work this time.  I don't know if I'll quit again.  I don't know if I'll disappoint everyone who is rooting for me.  However, this moment in time is the only time I can affect.  I can't go back and change yesterday nor can I know what tomorrow holds.  But this, I know:  RIGHT NOW, in this moment, I want very much to win this war.

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