C25K Update

I think the last post took us through Saturday.  So, we walked Sunday night and tonight.  And it's tonight that I want to talk about.  WOW, the voices were loud tonight.  Not so much in the vein of "don't go exercise" because I think I've becoming pretty good at fighting those voices but rather they were loudest when we were outside walking and they said "why are you bothering to do this?" and "you don't look any different, you hardly even feel any different, why are you still doing this?" and "you are going to fail" and "you've eaten pretty badly the past couple of days and you're sick of salad and turkey bacon, now what are you going to eat?".  It's kinda terrible ya'll.

I haven't had a great night anyway.  Besides Sam losing her child support (because John is no where to be found), we also lost two other sources of income in the past week.  I'm the only one working and it's terribly tight on just my salary.  I wanted to sign up for the Governor's Cup race in November and I can't.  We are on a necessities-only budget now and so I can't justify spending the money for that.  And that actually makes me really kinda sad and bummed because I feel like we have to be "training toward" something...  toward some goal or else damnit there's no reason to be doing this.  I mean, it doesn't feel or look like I'm losing weight.  I'm not gaining a whole lot of energy.  So what's the point?  I'm just so down and completely negative tonight.

I'm not winning in the battle with the voices tonight.  We exercised, but jeez.  I just don't know what tomorrow will hold.

C25K Update

I'm going to stop numbering the days because well, I don't update every day.  Friday was mine and Joe's break day.  Sam had to walk because she had her break day on Thursday.  She tells me she did.  Saturday we did the C25K routine even though that was actually wrong.  We were supposed to walk on Saturday and do the routine tonight.  Oh well.  We did it backwards.  So last night's routine went well.  My knees hurt for the first part but didn't hurt much at all into the second half. 

Tonight, however!  Was a different story.  I walked.  I had taken the anti-inflammatory pills that momma gave me beforehand.  Like an hour beforehand (so they had time to start working).  I felt good at the onset of the walk.  But the last half KICKED.MY.ASS.  I'm not even exaggerating.  Not in an "oh this is SO hard kinda way" because it was NOT HARD.  But rather in an "oh my god the pain" kind of way.  Again, more proof that it's better to do the routine every day. 

I got done with the walk and came inside and just bawled.  I just could not stop crying.  Joe fixed me some water and brought me some ibuprofen.  He's sweet.  I guess I cried because it feels like even though I've been pretty successful so far at beating the voices in my head, there doesn't seem to be shit I can do about my knees.  They aren't getting better.  Medicine isn't helping.  I don't have a passel of money to go first to a general practitioner and then to maybe an orthopedic doctor and the followups and the medicine.

It feels like I'm beating my mind but my body's beating me.  Like maybe it's too late.  I'm already too fat, too far gone.

C25K Update - Day Six

We all took a break last night (day six).  I guess I should chalk this up as the voices won this battle.  We had a goal to go for seven days straight but honestly I think that was a little unrealistic.  Every exercise program there is, gives you a day or two of rest.  Even the C25K suggests that you only do the routine 3 times a week.  Now, I don't want to consider that because I know that we will lose our momentum after a couple days of break.  Also, it will take FOREVER to get fit enough to do a 5K.  I just want one day a week.

Sam was at a neighbor's house, I was watching the USC game, and Joe has a sinus infection.  I was in so much pain.  Sam and I still talked about going out to do the routine after the game, but I could hardly stay awake through the last half of the game and it was an EXCITING game (but disappointing, Gamecocks lost).  Sam and I talked and decided that if we took ONE DAY to rest, there better not be NO excuses for the rest of the week.  No amount of pain, sickness, nothing.  She agreed.

The biggest concern I had with taking a break was that we would lose momentum and find it easier to let the voices win.  So, I ask anyone who may be reading this (is there anyone? *echo**echo**echo*) to help hold us accountable.  If we get lax and start taking more breaks than just one a week, or stop this entirely, call us.  Scream at us.  Remind us that this is literally life or death.  If we were snorting heroin (is that what one does w/ heroin?  injecting?  smoking?  whatever) on a daily basis, you'd be worried for us, right?  You'd plead with us to get better.  This is the same scenario.

Can I tell you a secret?  It scares the shit out of me to have just written that.  My inclination is to delete it.  The voices say "when you fail, you're going to want to be able to fail unnoticed".  But once again, Ben Davis (the guy from the video in my first post) gives me inspiration:

"If you keep this to yourself, it will be easy to quit. The thing about having a health problem/addiction, is that the natural impulse is to hide it and keep it secret that you’re trying to better yourself. But, it’s also easier to quit if it’s just you that knows about it.

And here’s a secret: Unlike some addictions like alcoholism or drug use that are hideable, obesity is different. People know you’re obese. It’s not your little secret; you’re not fooling anyone (no matter how much black or vertical lines you wear). So if you want to change, tell people. It seems embarrassing, I know. And it’s hard, but you’ll find that the people that love and care about you are going to be excited for you."

 So, tonight (day seven) WE EXERCISE.  No excuses.

Forgot to mention...

That little graphic (of the head with all the negative thoughts inside it) over in upper right of this page was created by Samantha.  She did it entirely on her own.  And I think it's just PERFECT for this blog.

C25K Update - Day One

First day of the Couch to 5K plan down!  We didn't want to do it.  Those voices were trying to talk me out of it.  They tried to tell me to just start tomorrow, that it was too late tonight.  Sam said it was too late.  Joe didn't want to do it.  The voices told me that anyone who saw us outside running would laugh at us*.  They told me I'd be SO embarrassed.  But I just made up my mind to do it.  "If you want to do it, all you have to do is do it."  I told Sam and Joe they could go or not go, but I was GOING.TO.DO.IT.  I watched the video for inspiration.  Sam watched over my shoulder.  Then she decided to put her shoes and running clothes on.  We all gathered outside and stretched for a few mins.  Then we got down to it.  After the first jogging rep, the voices were telling me "YOU CAN'T DO THIS...  ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?"  Sam said "we have to do HOW MANY of these?".  But doggedly, we continued.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to compromise with the voices and cut the routine in half.

Then after about rep 5 or so, we started congratulating each other.  And telling each other at every pass that we were proud of the other person.  And ultimately, our jogging didn't look so much like jogging and our faces were bright red (some redder than others (MINE!)) and our clothes were dripping with sweat but we DID IT.  And we hugged each other, BO and all.  Then we came inside and took this picture because we were proud:

I posted that picture on Facebook and now two other people want to join us.  HOW GREAT IS THAT?!?

So we are attempting to do a routine from the Couch to 5K plan EVERY DAY with one major change.  I think we are too out of shape to change routines once a week.  I want to take this slow and do it right, so we are going to do routine 1 for a month instead of a week.  We may do every routine for a month.  We may do them for two months.  Doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach my goal, just that I remain vigilant in working to acheive it.


*This prompted a joke to Sam before we started.  I told her that whoever sees us out there running is gonna think "ain't that a damn shame?  somebody done went and stole those fat people's cookies."

Winning the war?

Ok, here I am again.  Taking up another battle against a demon I've fought my entire life.  My demon was battling me even before I was born truth-be-known.  It lived in winding strands of DNA then, though.  I have been living out of control.  No, seriously.  I would say something akin to slow suicide.  Nothing, even things that were very drastic, worked for very long.  And so I gave up.  "If that didn't work then *nothing* will work" and "this is just your fate, obviously you can't control it" are the mean, mean things that little voice has been telling me.  But I have to stop letting that voice run the show.  I simply have to. Let me show you why:

I want to be able to do things with them instead of sitting in the comfort of my apartment while someone else experiences new adventures with them because I'm too tired or too chickenshit.

And then there was this:



I watched it and I cried.  Then, I did a search online for something that I had read before about starting from couch potato and training to eventually run a 5K.  And then there were the voices:
"JOGGING?!!? I'm not even sure that's physically possible"
"You're just going to fail...  AGAIN"
"Come on, a 5K?"

I watched the video again (and cried again).  And I tried to replace the mean voices with a single mantra: "if you want to do it, all you have to do is do it".  I don't know if it will work this time.  I don't know if I'll quit again.  I don't know if I'll disappoint everyone who is rooting for me.  However, this moment in time is the only time I can affect.  I can't go back and change yesterday nor can I know what tomorrow holds.  But this, I know:  RIGHT NOW, in this moment, I want very much to win this war.